Read and Relax

• God is real, unless declared integer


• Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.


• Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?


• Home is where the television is.


• Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.


• Death is hereditary.


• Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.


• Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.


• When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.


• Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.


• Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else..


• Experience is what a comb gives you after you lose your hair.


• Well done is better than well said.


• Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody is looking.


• They say hard work never hurt anybody, but why take the chance.


• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.


• You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.


• I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.


• If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.


• Pessimist: A person that looks both ways when crossing a one way street.


• The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an approaching train.


• Where there's a will there are five hundred relatives.


• I have a drinking problem - I can't afford it.


• Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.


• LUCK...stands for Labouring Under Correct Knowledge


• Everyone should have a spouse, because there are a number of things that go wrong that one can't blame on the government.


• The evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.


• There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.


• An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.